Things You Learn in the Student Newspaper

I'll admit, I'm not the most knowledgeable person when it comes to current affairs — especially those dealing with Washington, D.C. Still, I got a big laugh out of George Clooney's joke last night at the Golden Globes about how Jack Abramoff's parents were cruel for naming him Jack when his last name ended with 'off.'

I got an even bigger jolt when I flipped through the online edition of my alma mater's student newspaper today to learn that Abramoff was not only a fellow alumnus — he's class of 1981 — but that he was being called "the most wretched alumnus" in the school's history because in the nearly 25 years since he graduated, he has donated a grand total of $50 to Brandeis, and that was in 2002. I guess that's pretty wretched (all things considered), though I can think of some worse things he could have done. I mean, at least he gave something. Does that really make him "wretched?" If this is the barometer The Justice is using, then I wonder who the second-most-wretched alumnus is. I know one thing: it's not me.